HOW AND WHAT TO COMMUNICATE IN RELATIONSHIP
How and what to communicate in a relationship
To communicate is to express or convey ideas, either through verbal or nonverbal means; to have intercourse, to exchange information.
Communication is a Latin word which means ‘to share’. It is the sharing of information between different individuals.
It includes the sharing of ideas, concepts, imaginations, behaviours and written content.
Communication is simply defined as the transfer of information from one place to another.
Types of communication
There are different kinds of information. The four major types are verbal communication and non-verbal communication. Written and visual
Verbal communication: Verbal communication is the sharing of information through speech. It includes the information that people hear on radios, televisions, telephones, speeches and interviews.
Effective verbal communication incorporates the use of interpersonal skills.
Factors that contribute to the effectiveness of verbal communication are the clarity of voice and perception and listening skills of the recipient
Non-verbal communication: Written or spoken words are not the only means for sharing a message.
When there is no use of words, and the recipient understands what the sender is asking, then it is known as non-verbal communication.
Non-verbal communication is conducted through eye contact, postures, gestures, facial expressions, chronemics and haptics.
Written communication: Written communication includes the kind of information transfer where the encoding of a message is done in written form.
The message may only be written in words, or it may include different symbols, or sometimes even machine codes. emails, sms, etc
Visual communication: Visual communication refers to messages that can be seen.
In business, visual communication can be characterized as a helper. Graphs are a common and useful visual aid
Importance of communication in relationship
- Communication in relationships is essential to having a happy, healthy partnership.
- And it isn’t about making small talk. Asking your partner how their day went is nice, but if you want an extraordinary relationship, you must dig deeper.
- Learning how to communicate in a relationship is about fulfilling your partner’s needs.
- To improve communication in your relationship, you must discover how to listen, not how to talk.
THE KEY TO COMMUNICATION IN RELATIONSHIPS
- The biggest misconception about how to communicate with your partner is to think that communication is the same as talking or making conversation.
- Communication in relationships, at its core, is about connecting and using your verbal, written and physical skills to fulfill your partner’s needs.
- It’s not about making small talk. It’s about understanding your partner’s point of view, offering support and letting your partner know you are their #1 fan.
HOW TO COMMUNICATE IN A RELATIONSHIP
- IDENTIFY YOUR COMMUNICATION STYLES. you need to realize that not everyone has the same communication preferences. Some people like to talk, some prefer touch and others are more visual or respond better to gift giving than an outward discussion of feelings. You probably know which communication style you prefer, but what about your partner?
- Communication and relationships are all different. Effective communication with your partner will come from acknowledging this.
- Ask the right questions and then deeply listen to the answers.
- Reflect on what your partner says, and if you’re not sure what he or she means, then ask by restating their point and asking if you understand correctly.
- The key to how to communicate in a relationship is often not in the actual verbal communication at all – it’s in the way we listen to our partner.
- Your partner may be communicating exactly what the problem is, but if you’re not listening, you’ll miss it.
- Resist the pull of just waiting for your partner to finish what they’re saying so you can launch into your “turn.” That isn’t listening, it’s waiting to talk.
- Instead, listen with a calm, open mind and really hear what they are saying to you.
- Say what you mean, and make your feelings and your needs clear.
- Walking away from an argument is a temporary way to deal with an ongoing communication issue and should only be done to achieve a brief cooling-down period.
- Put time aside and dedicate yourself 100% to communicating with your partner.
- Watch your body language. You could offer all the loving and supportive words in the world to your partner, but if your arms are crossed over your chest and you have a scowl on your face, your partner is unlikely to respond favorably.
- How to communicate in a relationship means listening, loving and supporting your whole being.
- Watch how you’re speaking. Experts on communication break down the way we talk into: pitch, pace, volume and timbre.
- Pace just means how fast you’re talking. Take a deep breath and slow down – especially when you’re disagreeing. Speak calmly and clearly to get your message across.
- Pay attention to volume, especially volume “creep,” and avoid competing to be heard – competition only leads to shouting and miscommunication.
- Timbre refers to your voice’s emotional quality, attitude and tone. Pay careful attention to this, and watch for red flag timbres like sarcasm that can erode communication in relationships and cause distrust between partners.
- Communication in relationships needs humor. Injecting humor into the situation can make it feel less dire and can yield amazing results for the two of you.
COMMUNICATION IN COURTSHIP
I hear people say that the person they’re with changed. When in reality, the truth is finally hitting them in the face. Some marriages fail because of issues that were existing for months or years, but they were never noticed or simply overlooked.
I believe that we have to learn to ask questions because we can’t just assume things about people. Of course, some people lie, but you can’t say “I never knew this about him/her” if you never asked.
These are some of the questions to ask, but I think these can strengthen your relationship or cause you to RUN RUN RUN depending on the answers you receive. So use discernment, pray, seek godly advice, and ask these questions at the minimum!
1. Are you a Christian?
No I don’t mean do you go to church sometimes. I mean are you following and obeying Jesus? Ask them about their faith!! Do they have a walk with God that isn’t shallow or is it surface level?
2. Where do you go to church?
I say this because I will surely research their church! Some churches are simply social clubs (sorry, but not sorry). You need to know if they preach and teach truth. You need to be sure that he/she isn’t listening to leaders with no conviction or compassion. Usually, ladies follow their husband to his church. Ladies, you don’t want to be stuck in some lukewarm church because your man is handsome. Brothers, you can’t expect her to adjust to your church when she’s been taught for years that church attendance makes her a Christian.
3. What are you involved in at your church?
If sitting in church makes you a Christian, sitting in a garage makes me a car. I know that “works” doesn’t save anyone, but you can’t be a Christian and God isn’t tugging at your heart to serve in the body of Christ. If they’re lazy with God, all the romance in the world couldn’t make up for it.
4. What have you been studying in your Bible lately?
Maybe they’re not as structured as some or they aren’t called to preach, but that’s no excuse to not be in their bible. If the only time they’re in their bible is at church or when someone posts a bible verse in their Instagram caption, that’s completely unacceptable.
5. How do you do your devotions?
Some people are early birds and some are night owls, but we all have to do our part. If someone prioritizes God in their lives, you can rest assured they try to keep everything else centered around Him. People who only talk to God 8 seconds before snoring at night show that their priorities are out of order and you’ll easily become an idol in their life.
6. How often do you fast?
Fasting does not make you a Christian, but every Christian should fast. It helps us put our flesh under subjection. Are they willing to give up food and worldly entertainment every once in a while to get closer to God? Be willing to unplug from this world to plug into God.
7. Can I meet your family/friends?
If you’re hidden from their family, they are probably not serious yet. I mean, yes, some people have crazy family members, but if they want to be with you they won’t make you a secret. If their friends don’t know you exist, they’re probably hiding others as well.
8. Do you plan on having kids?
I know of many people who want to have 7 kids and the next person doesn’t want any. Instead of trying to change them or manipulate them into wanting what you desire, find someone who has the same desire.
9. Are you attracted to the same/your gender?
Many people seek relationships with the opposite sex because they know that’s what people expect, but you shouldn’t be their coverup to their sin. They have to work on that while seeking God instead of using you as their out. I’ve seen marriages fail and then one person is randomly gay. I’m not judging them, but maybe it failed because their heart was never actually there.
10. Are you single?
You have to ask this nowadays!! Don’t just assume they’re single because they’re texting or calling you. Be sure they’re unattached before wasting your time.
11. Is there anyone out there trying to get you back?
You don’t want unnecessary drama or people slandering your name when in reality, you didn’t even know that person existed. If they’re giving that person hope instead of ending it officially, they probably haven’t moved on.
12. Do you have someone you’re not over yet?
You should never fight for their attention. You can fight for who you want, but you can’t fight over them. If they haven’t moved on, don’t wait on them to juggle their options. They can come to you when they’re over them.
13. What attracted you to me?
You need to know if it was only because of your looks. Did he like your character or just your curves? Did she like your personality and passion or just your money? See if they are driven by carnal things.
14. What books are you reading?
This is only my opinion, but all wise people are readers. If they aren’t feeding their minds, they can only grow so much.
15. Does your spiritual walk with God match your social media/personal life?
I don’t care if you can preach until the altars are filled, if you leave the church and start partying, cursing and living worldly. Your walk with God is about more than what happens inside of church.
16. Are you in school?
Are they pursuing any degrees or entrepreneurial adventures? If they aren’t in school, they need a valid reason. A trade isn’t a bad idea either, but to neglect all forms of education may not be a good sign.
17. Where do you work?
Love alone won’t pay bills. Are they working or do they quit every 60 days when someone upsets them? If they won’t work, providing for a family will be nearly impossible.
18. How is your credit?
Everyone doesn’t know their credit score, but it would be awful to want to move into a nice home and you’re rejected because their credit score is 100. Their credit can haunt you, so be sure they’re financially responsible.
19. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
If they don’t have a vision for themselves, that means they’re content where they are. I once heard a quote that said “if you’re not growing, then you are dying”. I agree because we all have to be consistently going forward in some way or we will eventually lose our way.
20. Were you physically or verbally abused at home?
People can easily get triggered by issues they have experienced growing up. How would you know that a certain word or a certain way you touch their shoulder doesn’t remind them of what happened when they were 11? You have to be aware of what’s broken so you can pray with them for their healing.
21. Were you bullied or picked on in school?
I’ve met many people who were bullied and I think many of them have battled with insecurities because of it. They tend to have one of two mentalities: I’m always a victim or this will never happen again and they become aggressive towards others. You don’t want to deal with someone who you can’t love properly due to their past issues.
22. Were you a bully to others?
I’m not sure about everything, but I am sure about some things. Cycles do repeat! If they didn’t see an issue with verbally abusing and cursing at others, they won’t see an issue doing it to you. If they were perfectly fine with beating up others, you might be the next victim when they’re upset.
23. Do you have issues with depression?
I think many struggle with this and aren’t even aware. So don’t be surprised if they say no. However, you need to know this so you can encourage them not just spiritually, but emotionally and mentally.
24. What have you done to fix the insecurities in your life?
If they aren’t working on themselves, they’ll project those insecurities onto you. You can’t change their past and all you can do is help their future. If they won’t resolve those issues, then your relationship will constantly feel like a burden.
25. What are some bad habits you have that you have been working on?
We all have bad habits. If you think they’re perfect, or yourself for that matter, you’re being delusional. Someone aiming to better themselves is someone you should want to grow with.
26. Do you believe in healthy eating?
You may see a beach body and six pack now, but that’ll quickly turn into a beer belly if they can’t even spell salad.
27. How much debt do you have?
When you get married, their debt is now your debt. So please don’t think you can ignore poor spending habits. God wants us to steward the money that we have properly.
28. Who are you accountable to?
If they aren’t surrounded by godly people, they’ll easily fall into temptation. Not only that, but they may not have anyone to correct them when they do sin. Accountability pushes us to grow.
29. What type of music do you listen to?
I’m not going to tell you that you should only listen to “Christian music”, but I will say music has an impact on the way we think and live. If they listen to a lot of music about sex, you can tell they’ll want to have sex with you prior to marriage because their minds are constantly thinking about it.
30. Do you watch pornography?
You would think you wouldn’t have to ask this because they are Christian, but many believers struggle with this. Porn rewires our brain and how we view people and sex. If they are driven by lust, they’ll either lead you into temptation or continuously have perverse thoughts. Sex should be seen as a gift in marriage, not something you simply do for your pleasure or boredom.
31. Have you ever been arrested?
God can change anyone, but that doesn’t mean you should be ignorant of a past that may alarm you.
32. Do you believe the Bible is the infallible word of God?
Many people in church don’t believe in the entire Bible. They believe in Psalms and Romans 10:9 alone. How do I know? Because that’s all they can semi-quote or talk about when you mention Jesus.
33. Do you believe Hell is real?
Some people believe Hell only has one person there- the devil. Apparently, there is a new requirement for Heaven – dying. They think everyone is in Heaven, but the Bible says otherwise and God expects us to follow His Word.
34. Who’s your favorite preacher?
I can tell a lot about a person who claims to love God by their favorite speakers. I’ve heard some amazing public speakers that people call “preachers”. If their favorite preacher doesn’t talk about holiness, sin, Hell, repentance or the baptism of the spirit and water….. You see where I’m going with this.
35. What is your calling?
Everyone doesn’t know this and that is okay. But if they aren’t seeking God to find out, then they are being complacent or lukewarm. We all have a purpose and we have to find that out.
36. How often do you put money into your savings?
They may take you on the best dates ever, but are they saving up for school, a home or simply for emergencies? The fast life will catch up to you.
37. Why did your last relationship fail?
It may not have been their fault or it may have been and they may still blame the other party. However, you’ll know what to not repeat or you’ll know if they have a history of cheating/being cheated on, lying/being lied to, etc.
38. If you were sexually active in the past, would you get tested prior to marriage?
Let’s just be real with ourselves here, UNMARRIED PEOPLE ARE HAVING SEX, EVEN AT CHURCH! It’s not right, but you can’t play ignorant that sin exists. You need to protect yourself. I know someone who was with a HIV positive person and the person wasn’t upfront about it. Find out!
39. Do you have people in your life that did you wrong, but you didn’t forgive yet?
A bitter person cannot love properly. Period.
40. If we don’t have sex, will that cause you to lose interest?
41. Would also like to agree to study the Bible together on a regular basis and build on that spiritual part of the relationship, plus sharing the goodness of the Lord and the things that He is doing in their own personal life
I know this happens in many relationships. Some people say they’re fine not having sex, but a year will go by and now they’re hoping you changed your mind. You need to make your boundaries known early.
FOR LADIES:
QUESTIONS YOU SHOULD ASK THAT GUY BEFORE YOU MARRY HIM
Ask these questions before you embark on a journey of no return. Once you are married to him, your destiny is sealed! No more questions but submission!
1. IS HE TRULY BORN AGAIN? Fake born again brothers are everywhere. Everyone is now born again including the devil! Watch his character as well as his confession. “By their fruits, ye shall know them.”
2. WHICH CHURCH DOES HE ATTEND? His church doctrine affects everything he does. If you are not comfortable with his church. Let him go.
3. WHAT IS HIS VISION? You need to know his aspirations in life so you can know how to help him fulfil his destiny. If he has no vision, he doesn’t need a wife. Your life is too precious to waste on a visionless man.
4. DOES HE HAVE AN EX? And what led to the break up so he won’t repeat the same mistake in yours. You must also find out if they still contact each other lest you have a rival in marriage.
5. DOES HE BELIEVE IN PRE-MARITAL SEX? If he does, end the relationship!
6. WHAT DOES LOVING A WOMAN MEAN TO HIM? If it means kisses, romance, sex and and nothing more, he is a play boy, loose him and let him go!
7. WOULD YOU BE WORKING AFTER MARRIAGE? Some men want their wives to be full time housewives. She must not do any work or business of her own and must completely depend on him for survival. You need to iron this out before you get married so you won’t marry a man who will kill your destiny.
8. WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU CAN DO IN MARRIAGE THAT WILL MAKE HIM NEVER TO FORGIVE YOU. Some men can not take flirting from another man to their wives talk less of cheating. Some can’t handle secrets or contacting all your Ex for whatever reason in the world. You should both settle this before marriage so you won’t do anything that will make him commit murder.
9. WILL HE BE ASSISTING YOU WITH HOUSE CHORES? Some men believe women are slaves and baby making factories! Nothing more! Find out about his view about companionship and helping each other with tasks including domestic chores before you settle down with him so you won’t come crying a few years after marriage your husband is not helping you in the house.
10. DOES HE BELIEVE IN RUNNING JOINT OR SEPARATE BANK ACCOUNT IN MARRIAGE? This matters a lot. Money issue is one of the leading causes of divorce worldwide. You both need to discuss your view on working, earning, keeping, investing and wealth creation. If your views don’t tally and your beliefs are miles apart as far as the east is from the west, you don’t belong together. End the relationship.
11. WOULD ANY OF HIS FAMILY MEMBERS BE LIVING WITH YOU AFTER MARRIAGE? This is very crucial. Many marriages have blown apart due to unnecessary interference of in-laws especially the mother and siblings. Iron this out before you settle down.
12 Number of children to have and how they will be educated, Is it going to be jointly done? What is the percentage to be contributed by the two partners?
12. ASk him about his attitude to female friends at work
13. Who is his role model in life.
Things you should not discuss or talk about
there are definitely a few conversations not to have with your partner, not only for the sake of their mental health, but also for the stability of your relationship
While it’s always a good idea to be open and honest with your significant other — all in the name of creating a trusting, supportive, and solid relationship
Here are a few conversations to be avoided, as well as a few topics you should both let slide, for the sake of your relationship.
1. Convos About Your Exes
While it’s certainly fine to occasionally talk about your exes, what they were like, and what you might have learned from those relationships, it’s not a good idea to rehash the past over and over again — especially in the early days of your relationship.
“Yes, it is important to understand why your ex and their ex are no longer together but avoid discussing it in detail,” “Bringing up intimate details of their past with you can … trigger insecurities that you may project onto your partner.”
2. Your History Of Cheating
If you cheated on an ex or two, it may be a good idea to talk about it with your current partner, to ensure that it doesn’t happen again. Why did you cheat? What pushed you to that point? Sharing these things can certainly make for a healthy convo.
And yet, this is another topic you may not want to go on and on about. “Talking about cheating can trigger you or your partner and it can quickly become an intense conversational topic,”
Keep it light and honest because going into the details can create mistrust, judgments, and projections from you or your partner
3. Things You Don’t Like About Your Partner’s FamilyFamily: It can cause potential harm to the relationship to tell your partner how much you disapprove of their family.”
4. Intimate Details Of Past Sexual Experiences:The problem with knowing those details is that it leaves people constantly comparing themselves to the prior partner,” And these comparisons can create insecurities that might crop up after a fight,
5.Past Traumas:Even talking about some of these events could trigger panic attacks or cause your partner to shut down emotionally.
6. Each Other’s Shortcomings: talking about bad behaviours, overreacting, insultive response, lack of tolerance, etc..
7. Old Arguments:If you’ve talked to your partner about certain issues multiple times in the past and [they have] never meaningfully changed behaviors,” take note, “You’ll have to accept that your partner isn’t ready to change and act accordingly.”
8. Things You Can’t Change About Them: it may be smart to stay away from having certain conversations when it comes to things you can’t change about each other, such as one of you being an extrovert while the other is an introvert
CONCLUSION
These are more are the questions you need to ask your partner before you agree to marry him, I mean before you take your vows at the altar.
Once you say “I DO” to this man, it is forever. Whatever you experience in your marriage after, becomes your destiny. The earlier you find out the things you need to find out about him, the better.
Dating is not for having sex, it is for asking serious questions. Courtship is not just for planning a wedding, it is opening your 2 eyes wide and doing your final assessment before you embark on a journey of no return.
References
Godly Dating website