Effective communication in a long distance relationship
The importance of effective communication in relationship for single and married people cannot be overemphasized. Especially in a long distance relationship which in today world is unavoidable due to social lives, work constrain and job availability. People now stay far away from each other and yet they are in relationship. How do you reach out to the man you loves or the woman you want to marry? What are the things you should be talking about or not mention at all? It is necessary to have meaningful talk than just whining away time. It is very important to know that what we talk about today is a foundation on which the marriage will stand tomorrow.
Gen 3:1-4 KJV 1 Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden? 2 And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: 3 But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. 4 And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
The text shows the conversation between Eve and Satan. One of the reasons why the woman quoted God wrongly could be that she received the command about the tree second hand. Adam passed the message to her! She added to what her husband said about the tree and she said the same thing to Satan. Of course Satan capitalized on it and the results is obvious. The conversation should be effective and not boring, one-sided and destructive.
Boring communication decreases the desire for contact in long distance relationship. Frequency, more is not always better–How often you contact each other. There is not standard amount that you should contact each other. It does not depend on whether you are married or single. And, it does not depend on how much you want to contact your partner. For building your relationship, what matters is how often your partner enjoys talking/texting/emailing with you.
Duration–how long you talk (or write)
You may love to say a lot. Or, you may be a person of few words. Just as with frequency, you need to pay attention to what your partner enjoys. You can get a good indication of that from two things: 1) how much he or she communicates, and 2) a shift in tone during the communication.
In a long email for example, you will see some really good content, followed by filler and reporting. This is because people think that more is better. The same goes for conversations. The first 5 minutes may be really good and then 15 minutes of boring communication follows. If you want your relationship to build, eliminate all of the boring stuff. This will result in shorter, but more enjoyable exchanges. It will leave your partner wanting more rather than less. If my old talkative girlfriend had realized that, our relationship would have lasted longer, I’m sure.
Content–what you talk about:
What you talk about should always be of interest to the other person. Otherwise, why talk about it? If your spouse asks you about your day, talk about the part of your day that appeals to your spouse’s interests. For example, if your spouse is a people person, talk about the people where you work. If your spouse is practical and analytical, keep away from the office politics.
This is something we do quite naturally with others. For example, we talk to old people about health, weather, and relatives. We talk to children about games, friends, and imaginary stories. We talk to our friends about the fun things we have in common. Why then, do so many people talk about mundane things with their partners? Many people do it to keep the communication going, but as shown above, communication should stop when the other person stops enjoying it.
.Things you should not discuss or talk about
There are definitely a few conversations not to have with your partner, not only for the sake of their mental health, but also for the stability of your relationship
Things You Don’t Actually Have To Discuss With Your Partner If You Don’t Want To
While it’s always a good idea to be open and honest with your significant other — all in the name of creating a trusting, supportive, and solid relationship — there are definitely a few conversations not to have with your partner, not only for the sake of their mental health, but also for the stability of your relationship.
Of course, it’s smart to talk about everything at least once — especially if it’s something that’s bothering you — since doing so can mean building a solid relationship. It is super important to be open and vulnerable with your partner because it creates a deep sense of connection. But, depending on the topic, there can be a limit to exactly what you say, and how often you say it if you notice it’s having a negative impact on your relationship. You might not, for example, want to drone on and on about your ex or go into explicit detail about past sexual experiences, since both of these things can lead to an arguments or feelings of insecurity.
It is important for the relationship to keep in mind that both people should have boundaries of how detailed they go into discussing topics. Sometimes it is key to avoid depth and details of certain topics and keep it minimal out of mutual respect for your relationship. Here are a few conversations experts say are better off avoided, as well as a few topics you should both let slide, for the sake of your relationship.
1.About Your Exes
While it’s certainly fine to occasionally talk about your exes, what they were like, and what you might have learned from those relationships, it’s not a good idea to rehash the past over and over again — especially in the early days of your relationship.
Yes, it is important to understand why your ex and their ex are no longer together but avoid discussing it in detail, Bringing up intimate details of their past with you can trigger insecurities that you may project onto your partner.”
Of course, there may come a time when you both feel more comfortable talking about exes, or making light of past experiences. But make sure you’re both to that point, and feel secure, before you do.
- Your History Of Cheating
If you cheated on an ex or two, it may be a good idea to talk about it with your current partner, to ensure that it doesn’t happen again. Why did you cheat? What pushed you to that point? Sharing these things can certainly make for a healthy convo. And yet, this is another topic you may not want to go on and on about. Talking about cheating can trigger you or your partner and it can quickly become an intense conversational topic, Keep it light and honest because going into the details can create mistrust, judgments, and projections from you or your partner
- Things You Don’t Like About Your Partner’s Family: It can cause potential harm to the relationship to tell your partner how much you disapprove of their family.
- Intimate Details Of Past Sexual Experiences: When you were an unbeliever, may be you engaged in sexual relationship and now you are born again, will you be talking about? The problem with knowing those details is that it leaves people constantly comparing themselves to the prior partner,” And these comparisons can create insecurities that might crop up after a fight. Please avoid ungodly sexual relationship.
- Past Traumas: Even talking about some of these events could trigger panic attacks or cause your partner to shut down emotionally.
- Each Other’s Shortcomings: we all have shortcomings In one are or the other in ourlives which as we renew our mind to who we are in Chrst Jesus, we can easily overcome. But pointing out on regular basis the failures and shortcoming of someone very close to you can trigger emotional stress.
- Old Arguments: If you’ve talked to your partner about certain issues multiple times in the past and [they have] never meaningfully changed behaviors, take note you’ll have to accept that your partner isn’t ready to change and act accordingly.
- Things You Can’t Change About Them: it may be smart to stay away from having certain conversations when it comes to things you can’t change about each other, such as one of you being an extrovert while the other is an introvert
As part of what you should be talking about are questions you ask
QUESTIONS YOU SHOULD ASK THAT GUY BEFORE YOU MARRY HIM
Ask these questions before you embark on a journey of no return. Once you are married to him, your destiny is sealed! No more questions but submission!
- IS HE TRULY BORN AGAIN? Fake born again brothers are everywhere. Everyone is now born again including the devil! Watch his character as well as his confession. “By their fruits, ye shall know them.”
- WHICH CHURCH DOES HE ATTEND? His church doctrine affects everything he does. If you are not comfortable with his church. Let him go.
- WHAT IS HIS VISION? You need to know his aspirations in life so you can know how to help him fulfil his destiny. If he has no vision, he doesn’t need a wife. Your life is too precious to waste on a visionless man.
- DOES HE HAVE AN EX? And what led to the break up so he won’t repeat the same mistake in yours. You must also find out if they still contact each other lest you have a rival in marriage.
- DOES HE BELIEVE IN PRE-MARITAL SEX? If he does, end the relationship!
- WHAT DOES LOVING A WOMAN MEAN TO HIM? If it means kisses, romance, sex and and nothing more, he is a play boy, loose him and let him go!
- WOULD YOU BE WORKING AFTER MARRIAGE? Some men want their wives to be full time housewives. She must not do any work or business of her own and must completely depend on him for survival. You need to iron this out before you get married so you won’t marry a man who will kill your destiny.
- WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU CAN DO IN MARRIAGE THAT WILL MAKE HIM NEVER TO FORGIVE YOU. Some men can not take flirting from another man to their wives talk less of cheating. Some can’t handle secrets or contacting all your Ex for whatever reason in the world. You should both settle this before marriage so you won’t do anything that will make him commit murder.
- WILL HE BE ASSISTING YOU WITH HOUSE CHORES? Some men believe women are slaves and baby making factories! Nothing more! Find out about his view about companionship and helping each other with tasks including domestic chores before you settle down with him so you won’t come crying few years after marriage your husband is not helping you in the house.© Seun Oladele, 2018.
10 DOES HE BELIEVE IN RUNNING JOINT OR SEPARATE BANK ACCOUNT IN MARRIAGE? This matters a lot. Money issue is one of the leading causes of divorce world wide. You both need to discuss your view on working, earning, keeping, investing and wealth creation. If your views don’t tally and your beliefs are miles apart as far as the east is from the west, you don’t belong together. End the relationship.
11 WOULD ANY OF HIS FAMILY MEMBERS BE LIVING WITH YOU AFTER MARRIAGE? This is very crucial. Many marriages have blown apart due to unnecessary interference of in-laws especially the mother and siblings. Iron this out before you settle down.
These are few of many questions you need to ask your partner before you agree to marry him, I mean before you take your vows at the altar. Once you say “I DO” to this man, it is forever. Whatever you experience in your marriage after, becomes your destiny. The earlier you find out the things you need to find out about him, the better.
Dating is not for having sex, it is for asking serious questions. Courtship is not just for planning wedding, it is opening your 2 eyes wide and doing your final assessment before you embark on a journey of no return. You should not engage in fornication under any pretense. It is not about what is the norm or acceptable in the society but what the word of God says which is the final authority.
1Cor 5:1 KJV It is reported commonly that there is fornication among you, and such fornication as is not so much as named among the Gentiles, that one should have his father’s wife.
1Cor 6:13 KJV Meats for the belly, and the belly for meats: but God shall destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body.
Eph 5:3 KJV But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints;
If you are not ready for relationship, please do not get into it yet.